Seven trans musicians that inspire me

I figured I would take a break from the navel-gazing introspection that typifies this blog and share with anyone who's interested some of the trans musicians I find inspiring. I love that there are artists out there who have experienced, and can sing about, some of the same struggles I'm going through. And, as a bit of a musician myself, it's encouraging to hear that a woman can sing with a "male" vocal range and still sound amazing. So here, in no particular order, here are seven trans musicians that inspire me:

Laura Jane Grace

Laura Jane Grace fronts a punk band called Against Me! and generally kicks ass. She began transitioning in 2012 and came out to the world with a really great story and interview in Rolling Stone magazine. The band’s next album was the aptly named Transgender Dysphoria Blues, which was released last January and dealt heavily with the subject it was named for. I deeply appreciate how Laura’s songwriting is so unapologetically honest when she's describing the shittiness that is gender dysphoria.

Rae Spoon

Rae Spoon blends folk, indie rock, electronic and country music in a way that’s unique and beautiful. Assigned female at birth, ze lived as a man for years before coming out as genderqueer. Ze has an evangelical Christian background, and I feel like I can hear in some of zir lyrics the same sense of having been betrayed by the church that I’ve experienced in my own life.

Ataru Nakamura (中村  中)
Ataru Nakamura sings pop music in the broadest sense of the term, ranging from stirring symphonic pieces to jazzy, cabaret-inspired rock. She transitioned as a teenager before beginning her music career, but came out to the press early on. What I love about her is that she is so amazingly talented. Unlike a lot of pop singers, she writes her own lyrics and composes her own music. And in addition to her gorgeous voice, she is a very capable pianist and drummer. (And she rocks the kazoo!)

Lucas Silveira
Lucas Silveira plays rock and roll in a band called the Cliks. Their tunes are catchy with a vaguely 50s-ish aesthetic. He's stated that he wants to be seen primarily as a musician rather than some sort of transgender spokesman. That being said, it’s kind of interesting to hear how his voice has changed from their earlier recordings since he started taking testosterone in 2010.

Belle Nuntita (เบลล์ นันทิตา)

Belle Nuntita sings typically cheesy pop music, but she does it very well. She became a celebrity overnight after apearing on the TV show Thailand’s got Talent in 2011. Since then she has been raising awareness about the challenges trans people face, as well as continuing to perform and record her music. She has a deep voice for a woman, but it still sounds unmistakably female, and somehow I find that combination very sexy. :)

Titica

Titica is a rapper with a penchant for very high energy, techno-inspired beats: it’s the kind of music that would be a ton of fun to dance to, even if it's not what I'd typically listen to. She’s from Angola, which is definitely not an LGBT-friendly country, but even so she’s very out and visible as a trans person. Between her dance moves and her outfits, it’s obvious she is very, very comfortable with her body. Which I think is pretty great.

Mina Caputo

Mina Caputo started out playing metal in a band called Life of Agony (which may actually be the metaly-est band name ever), but left the group in 1997. Since then her solo work has taken on a softer, more introspective tone. She began transitioning in 2011. Her song Identity contains the lyrics, “I know I’m not a man \ I know I’m not a woman," which is sort of how I feel some days.

Are there any trans musicians you appreciate that aren't on this list? Let me know!

Community

I miss the sense of community I had when I was a conservative Christian. Even though that community didn't exactly foster critical thinking, even though I had to work so hard to hide all my doubts about basic tenets of the faith, and even though no one really knew me 'cause I was lying to all of us about my gender identity: still, in a way, those were some of the closest friends I've ever had.

I moved to Edmonton in December of 2012; before that I'd been living in a town called Grande Prairie. In Grande Prairie I played piano at my local church, and I helped out with the soup kitchen they ran. I attended a weekly bible study group, and I lived with all Christian roommates— (one was even an ordained clergy member). One of the main reasons I moved was to get away from all that. By the end of 2012 it was finally becoming apparent to me that I was losing my faith. I needed space to ask basic questions about what I thought was true, and I wasn't going to find that space in the evangelical Christian community. So I got out.

I moved to Edmonton because that's where my family lives and I thought I might end up going to school here, (which in fact I did). I found the space to ask questions, and in that space I discovered and accepted that I am transgender. But what I lost in the process was a close, loving community. I still keep in touch with some of my old friends through Facebook, but I feel like we're drifting apart. It makes me sad.

I suppose what I ought to do is get involved in the queer community here in Edmonton. (I went to two meetings of my school's queer social club, and one meeting of a trans support group, but that's all.) To be part of a community again, and one where I can actually be myself, would be fantastic. I'm shy and making friends is hard, but still I should try.

Oh, and guess what? I got to see Laverne Cox speak last Friday! She gave a talk as part of my school's pride week, it was really good. Even though I went by myself, it was very refreshing to be in a huge room full of people who accept the legitimacy of trans identites. That's precisely the kind of community I want to be a part of!

Out!

Last Sunday I came out to my parents. Finally. And what a relief it is to not have that burden anymore! Yay!

Earlier I had asked my brother and his wife if they would accompany me for moral support. So, from their house, I texted my mom asking if they were home as there was some stuff I wanted to talk to them about. She said yes and the three of us drove there, me understandably nervous.

"So," my mom said, once we'd been there a few minutes, "what is it you want to talk to us about?"
"Well, uh," I stammermed, "The thing is, I'm pretty sure I'm transgender."
(That was a lie: I know I'm transgender, it's not something I'm "pretty sure" about. But somehow it felt easier to sound a little uncertain.)

Then followed a very long, rambling explanation from me in which I clarified all the usual stuff: that I'm not currently planning on having any medical intervention, that I've felt this way my whole life, that it's not a choice, that I'm still attracted to girls, and so on. I tried to make it clear how much happier I am now that I've stopped supressing this part of me. Lastly I said something like, but not as concise as: "I'm telling you this because I love you guys and want you to know me as the person I am, not the one I pretend to be."

"Well," my mom said slowly, "I don't know what I'm supposed to say. Of course we still love you. But I'm worried— won't this make your life more complicated?"
"I'm sure it will," I responded, "but I'd rather have a life that's complicated and happy than one that's simple and miserable."

It was clear right away that they weren't surprised. In fact, they had guessed that that was what I was going to tell them when I sent the text. My dad said it had been kind of obvious for a while. "We've always known that you were... different," added my mom. She put the word different in air quotes.

This was something I hadn't realized. If they've known since my childhood that I was "different," (to use my mother's word), than they've known for longer than I have. Suddenly it occured to me that maybe every anti-LGBT thing they said when I was growing up was not spoken out of idle bigotry, but intentionally for me to hear, in a vain hope that I might somehow turn out straight. That's probably silly though, and even if it were true, there'd be no sense in dwelling on the past now.

My mom asked what expectations I had of them now that I was out. I was confused by this and asked her what she meant.
"Well, for example, I somtimes call you son."
"Ohhhh... yeah," I said, "I guess I'd prefer something more gender-neutral. Like child."
"Okay, I'll try. But I'll probably slip up sometimes."
"That's okay," I said.
I didn't ask for female pronouns; I am, after all, still living primarily as a male.

I suppose the whole experience went about as well as I could reasonably have hoped for. It was obvious that my parents aren't happy about this, but they're willing to accept it, so that's good. Considering that some people are literally disowned over this stuff, I guess I should be grateful. Even so, I wish they could be happy for me that I'm beginning to feel comfortable as myself, or proud of me for making an effort to live authentically.

But maybe those things will come with time.

A cold night

It was bitterly cold, and we never did find what we were looking for, but the night was still a lot of fun.

Last Thursday four of us drove out of the city for an evening of stargazing, equipped with a telescope, binoculars, sky charts and heavy coats. We were hoping to see the recent supernova in the M82 galaxy, but our inexperience, the light of the half moon, and the low temperatures kept us from finding it. Even so, we got a good look at Jupiter and three of its moons, which was still pretty cool.

Dressing to stay warm in -20° C is a very different thing from dressing to express one's gender. I suppose I was in "boy mode," but I'd have worn the same warm clothes, out of nessecity, in any gender. What was really nice is that the group consisted entirely of people I'm out to. Somehow I find it much easier to present male around people who know I'm trans than around those who don't. I guess that's because I don't feel like I'm decieving anyone.

What we failed to find...

I've been thinking and writing about coming out to my parents for a long time. Recently I asked my brother and sister-in-law if they'd be willing to come along with me when I come out, to provide moral support. They said of course they would. This will make it a lot easier, not to mention a lot more likely to actually happen. Currently the plan is for the three of us to head over to my parents' place the next time my father is in town, which will be next week. So now there is a definite timeframe for this happening!

Feeling better

Sometimes I think everyone should have a blog.

When I wrote my last post I was so dysphoric about my gender I felt like I could hardly breathe. In the course of writing it I determined that I should get out of the house as a girl at least once that week. And guess what? I ended up doing it twice! And have been feeling quite a bit better as a result. This blogging thing really does help.

The second time I even attended two of my classes at the university. (They were larger classes where I don't know anyone). I wore a skirt, which was a lot of fun, and heels, which would have been fun except for the fact that I walk to school from my house: halfway there I was thinking: why the hell do we wear these things? Nonetheless, I felt like I looked fantastic— (oh yeah, that's why)— and had a really good day.

In some ways my gender issues are actually pretty simple: when I'm a girl I'm happy; when I'm a boy I'm sad. It's not that hard to understand after all.

I recently discovered and started reading a manga series called Hōrō Musuko, or "Wandering Son." (Manga is Japanese comic books, by the way). It tells a trans-y coming of age story about a "boy who wants to be a girl" and a "girl who wants to be a boy." The two discover each other's secret and together they face the trials of puberty, bullying and keeping everything hidden from their parents. The author is cis and there a few places where that becomes cringingly obvious, but for the most part it's very well done. Somehow I've found it incredibly cathartic to watch these characters struggle with things I've gone through, and some things I'm still going through.

The main characters in their preferred genders.

Speaking of which, it sounds like I'm probably heading over to my parents' house for dinner tomorrow. I've been thinking about coming out to them for ages now. Maybe it's time I finally did...

Not a happy girl

I'm still not out to my parents. At the end of December I figured that would be done by now. But it's still looming over me. Partly this is because my dad travels a lot for his job and I don't always know when he's in town. But it's mostly my own cowardly lack of resolve.

When I came out to my roommates last month, one of them was in Germany so he never heard about it. He's been back in Canada for a couple weeks now, and I still haven't talked to him about it. I don't have any doubts that he'll be accepting, but I still feel like I ought to have the conversation before he sees me as a girl. (As someone else put it, the words transgender and surprise don't go well together.) So this means that I've been back temporarily in a quasi-closet around my own house.

Of course school has now started up again after the winter break, and I have been continuing to present male there. I could maybe attend my larger classes as a girl without it being a big deal. But it would seem strange, in the smaller, more interactive classes, to suddenly show up in a different gender. So, male it is.

All of these factors combined— my continued worry about telling my parents plus the two things limiting my gender expression— have been causing me some pretty bad depression lately. I have not been a happy girl these past two weeks. Not at all. Sigh...

Still though, I know what I need to do. Sitting around moping won't help; I need to take real steps toward making things better. To that end, I'm making it a goal to leave the house as a girl at least once this week.

A fantabulous night!

I wore a dress for New Year's Eve! In the eight months I'd been crossdressing it was the first time I'd ever worn one, as unbelievable as that may seem. I should clarify, it was the first time I'd worn one as a girl. I'd tried on dresses in boy mode, but that's not the same thing at all.

Carson and Jamey (that's my brother and his wife) had me over at their place to ring in the new year. None of us are the sort of people who really enjoy large parties or spending loads of money at bars, so we figured we'd have a little get-together just the three of us. And just for the hell of it, it was decided the evening would be a formal affair. After all, they both enjoy dressing up fancy, and I hadn't yet had an occasion to do so as a girl.

On the day before I managed to pick out a gorgeous dress that, for some reason, actually fit well and looked good on me. That night I was so excited about wearing it the next day I could hardly sleep! I'm a bit silly like that, I guess. :) The following afternoon I bought some fabulous shoes and jewelry to go with it. I even went so far as to buy some of that shapey hose stuff, which, ironically, ended up being the most expensive part of my outfit.

I arrived at their apartment in boy mode that evening. Jamey and I did our makeup together. She helped me out a lot, and insisted I use several of her products. I learned a lot from her, and my makeup definitely looked better than it ever has before. It was a ton of fun, too!

...aaaand this is what I looked like! Possibly my favourite photo of me ever! :D

Then the three of us had a delightful evening of sushi, boardgames, and drinks, though we missed counting down to midnight because we were busy discussing how Jupiter's gravity causes gaps to form in the asteroid belt. (Yeah, we really do talk about geeky stuff like that, I'm afraid). And it was such a relief for me just to be in the right gender, especially after all the stress I had spending Christmas at my parents' house.

The three of us looking fabulous. (Posted with their permission)

I can't express how grateful I am to have those two in my life, nor how much I appreciate that I can be myself around them. In fact, there was a much more important "first" that night than just my first time in a dress. It was also, technically, my first time presenting fully female in front of them. It's just that, we reached that point so gradually I don't think any of us hardly noticed. Over the months since I came out to them I've let them see increasingly feminine iterations of my male presentation (once even wearing heels in boy mode!), so that by the time they finally met girl-me, it wasn't a big deal.

At one point during the evening I apologized to Carson for how weird it must be having a crossdresser for a brother. (Of course I know I can't help being trans, but I still feel culpable somehow). He shrugged it off: "It's a little weird, but whatever." Then with a smile he added, "You're a crossdresser, but I'm more feminine than you are!" My brother is not a typical "manly man" by any means, and his point, I think, was that I wasn't the only one with an atypical gender.

Depending on your definition of femininity, and that's a very difficult thing to define, he might even be right. I'm a bit of a tomboy; he's a bit of a pretty boy. In the end it probably doesn't make sense to compare one person's femininity to another's, since it's something each person defines for hirself. But it does go to show what a complicated, convoluted thing gender is.

Also, SUSHI!!

It was a great night, both in terms of fun and gender expression, and I'm thinking I just might need to find more excuses to get all dressed up!