It's only been a few months since I accepted I was trans-something-or-other and started cross-dressing properly. Almost immediately I noticed a whole bunch of areas besides dress where I had been forcing myself to conform to the masculine gender norm. Things I say, how I walk, talk, sit, etc. I determined I would start just being myself in those areas, too. The result, I suppose, is that even in boy mode I now come across as a lot more feminine than I used to.
Last Friday I was making small talk with a co-worker, (a straight male), and he asked me casually, "So, do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend?" It was the first time in my life someone has made it explicitly clear that they're uncertain what my orientation is. (For the record, I like girls). I smiled and said, "Nope, no boyfriend, no girlfriend!" Which, you know, didn't exactly clarify things.
At first I was quite pleased by this. I liked the fact that someone had noticed my "queer-ness," even if they misunderstood its exact nature. I told myself I would rather people mistake me for gay than mistake me for cisgender.
However it slowly dawned on me that perhaps everyone I work with thinks I'm gay. And the more I thought about it, the more it started to bother me. I'm honestly not even sure why. I really, really hope it's not due to some latent homophobia buried somewhere deep in my psyche. I'm ashamed to admit that I used to be quite homophobic back in my days as a fundamentalist Christian, though that feels like a different lifetime now. I will have to take some time to think about what this means.
First off, well done on deciding to accept your trans-ness! I took that step about 2 years ago and while it was a slow start, I am so glad I did. Im in a much better place now for doing so.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like that question might have been in an effort to try and find out where you stood sexuality-wise. To be honest by not clearing it up youve probably just kept the mystery alive as you have not confirmed leaning one way or the other. Im sure an opportunity to clear it up will pop up again.
I wouldnt worry about having any latent homophobia or anything like that. I go through stages of being happy with who I am, and being bothered by it too when my male pride tries to break through. We have many many years of social conditioning to break through, sometimes we will have lapses internally but we know who we are, and we just have to try and find a way to push through it.
Thanks! Yeah, overall I'm so much happier now having accepted this part of me.
DeleteI guess I figure that if someone actually wants to know my sexual orientation they should just ask. :) In any event, this job is only a temporary position, so in the long run it doesn't matter much anyways.