I received a generic form letter the other day. It began "Dear Mr./Ms. [last name]". I took my thumb and covered up the "Mr." I looked at this amended version, and it made me smile. Dear Ms. [last name]. It was just... right.
I'm a Ms.
I find this surprisingly reassuring. Every now and then I'll get these sudden doubts about my identity. I'll think, What if I'm actually just a feminine man? What if this is all just about the clothes? What if I'm just trying to delude myself into thinking I'm female to avoid the stigma that society puts on men who like skirts? What if I medically transition only to figure out I'm not a woman after all and spend the rest of my life dealing with transition regret?? Aaaaaaahh!!!
But the difference between Mr. and Ms. has nothing to do with masculine or feminine. And it has nothing to do with clothes. It only has to do with male or female.
It's just another sign that I'm headed in the right direction. Even if I still don't know where I'm going to end up. :)
It seems to me to be a very important question and one I've asked myself so often: Why does it matter whether I'm make or female? . The answer, "It just does!" seems too simple, yet that is the essence of my internal and visceral reaction.
ReplyDeleteKnowing in your bones that you are heading in the right direction; priceless.
Yeah, I don't get it either. The difference between male and female is, in so many ways, a trivial thing. Yet somehow, inexplicably, it matters. And it matters immensley. Gender is wierd.
DeleteWell, if being female has to do with wearing dresses, I'm screwed. I think Jeremy's actually worn more dresses this year than I have (that would be twice).
ReplyDeleteI never realized how weird gender was until I had Jeremy but, yeah, gender is definitely weird. Congratulations on sorting out the right direction :)
Thanks! Though I'd have to say the right direction is about the only thing I've sorted out. How far to go in said direction, or how to get there: not a clue...
DeleteAs I mentioned in my previous comment, a friend who is much wiser than yours truly (a low bar, I will grant you, but still...) said that transitioning is 75% mental and 25% physical. The emotional/psychological aspect of transitioning is by far the most important piece.
ReplyDeleteYou clearly seem to get "it," much as my friend told me early on in my transition. (I had no clue what "it" was, of course. lol) Your focus is primarily on processing your feelings and emotions surrounding your identity.
Clothes and makeup and such are a lot of fun (well, makeup is still an uphill battle for me!). But the *reason* they're fun now is because I finally know who I am. And I like myself, for the first time in my life. That fact is worth all of the pain and hardship and sacrifice of the past three years.
You're on the right track, hon, regardless of where you wind up. Just keep doing what you're doing, OK? Hang in there, girl!!!
Hugs,
Cass
Thanks Cass!!
DeleteYeah, I definitely think it's important for me to work through how I feel about all this before I go and start making permanent changes. Sometimes when I'm reading stuff on the internet I get the impression that I'm a lot less certain about my identity than a lot of trans people. I have to remind myself that that's okay. I mean, it's not a competition, after all. :)