Tuesday, 22 October 2013

Maybe next time?

There's a transgender support group that meets once a month at my town's Pride Centre. I've been aware of it for a long time now and I keep telling myself I should go. Yesterday was the day I was finally going to do it.

I decided to not crossdress. Partly because I didn't have time to do it properly; partly because I'm not out to most of my roommates, (though I know they're beginning to suspect something), and I wasn't sure how to get from my room to my car and back without getting "caught." But mostly it was because I've never interacted with anyone as a girl before: I figured I'd be nervous enough without adding that to the mix. Still, I couldn't bear the thought of going in full boy mode, so I opted for androgyny: girl jeans, flats, light makeup and my already painted nails.

When I got there I had to park pretty far away. I was feeling nervous to begin with, and that feeling only grew with each step of the walk over. I'm always fairly nervous when it comes to meeting new people. In this case though, it was compounded by the newness of the situation: I'd never been to any kind of support group, never been to the Pride Centre, never told a stranger about my gender. I kept over-thinking stupid, unimportant things, like: should I introduce myself with my boy name, my girl name or both? As if that were a big deal. By the time I was nearing the door I'd made the situation much more terrifying than it needed to be.

Did I take a deep breath, open the door and walk in to face my fears? No. I slowed down a bit, I tried to look inside, but I kept on walking.

I thought about orbiting the whole block and seeing if I fared any better on a second approach, but by then the meeting would already have started and entering late would have been even worse. So I simply walked back to my car and drove home. It was pretty disappointing.

But you know what? Now I've got something else to look forward to instead— the next meeting's only a month away!! :)

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